Friday, September 30, 2005


Well, it's Friday night and I'm sitting in my friends house on baby sitting duties. Time for a little reflection on life and some much needed space at the end of a long week. Tiredness is something that is rarely recognised as an serious point of disscussion, after all most of the time we are tired and most of the time there is little we can do about it. Seemingly. I've had a few months of not being tired and I forgot the numbing affect of tiredness on my brain. Everything seems much worse than it actually is when I am tired. Tiredness seeps through every thought, every pore of my being and leads me down paths I would rather not take.

Tiredness makes me cry, makes me see this job in negative terms, changes situations that should bring joy into chores, turns trust in God into unbelief and doubt, turns people into projects to groan about and, well, you get the picture. Partly the battle is won through acknowledging that tiredness is the cause of the negative emotions, the struggles to believe and to respond by going to bed. But over time tiredness builds up until I don't recognise it as such anymore. Then the reality around me takes a darker tinge as I sink into doubt, rebellion and forgetfulness. Is there a solution?

I think the answer lies in the one who invented rest, who gave us a Sabbath to remind us of who is really in control in this universe. Who enables me to recognise this haze of tiredness for what it is. I am tempted into rubbising God, wishing he was a magician who could solve my every need and in whining to Him. But I can chose whether to believe that version of events, or to line myself up with the truth, however distant and hazy it may seem. Hard to do. But I want to do it. I don't want to head back down the road of rebellion. I want to lift my head up to the one who sings a sweeter song than anything else in this world. To rest my head on His shoulders and let him sing me to sleep.

He knows the groanings of our souls and he has strength to guide us home. This work is draining and tiring, but there is a fountain of life out there. I want to learn to tap into that. And to know that it's ok just to sit and groan in His arms. He understands that language. Elijah needed a long sleep, some food and water after his epic experience with the prophets of Baal, and an encounter with the living God. I like the practical nature of the maker of the universe. He knows what we need and he knows how to look after us.

I guess we just all need help in recoginising which emotions are as a result of long hard days listening to people, helping out with situations, caring about people and driving (!) and know when to just go to bed. There are many other things that make me depressed, rebellious and strange, but tiredness is something I can do something about. Remind myself of the God who loves me and go to sleep in His arms.


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